I hate insects and I really can’t stand them in my home.
That is a bit challenging because we live in a travel trailer in a pretty heavily wooded area. This means lots of insects and occasionally one will find its way inside.
And I don’t take it very well.
Case in point, this evening I was sitting on the sofa, doing a little work when when I catch movement out of the corner of my eye. I have pretty excellent peripheral vision.
Yeah, not having any of THAT.
My husband was asleep and I debated whether to ask him to come to my rescue or let him continue to peacefully slumber, blissfully ignorant of the trauma that was taking place in the living room.
Trauma won. He can go back to sleep.
I tiptoed down the hall (not sure why, I mean, I was going to wake him up) and eased the door open. I could see his shape in the dark. I scanned the walls for any other “guests” (our walls are light so the dark little blobs would show up easily). I was starting to seriously freak out. It went something like this:
Me: CW? You awake?
CW: Hmmm? (bless his heart, he’s tired – but I am completely traumatized here and need help!)
Me: Are you awake? I really need you (trying to keep my voice calm).
CW: What’s wrong? (Do I detect a hint of laughter in his voice – this isn’t the first time we’ve been down this road)
Me: There’s a bug in the living room and I need you to kill it! I wasn’t going to wake you up, but IT’S IN MY PURSE! I can’t even get my phone out or my keys or anything!
CW: Why do you need your keys? It’s 10 o’clock.
Me: I don’t need my keys right now. But if I wanted to get them I couldn’t because there’s a bug in there! A huge bug! A monster.
Now he’s openly laughing; not even trying to hide it.
Me: I’m serious! I didn’t get a good look at it but I’m pretty sure it’s HUGE! I think they’re organizing and it’s gathering inter in my purse! I’m pretty sure it’s staking me with deadly intent! Please! You have to come get it out of there! Please! Get it out of there and KILL IT!
CW: (still chuckling to himself, gets out of bed and strolls into the living room, apparently completely oblivious to the six legged MONSTER that has taken over my purse!)
He looks at me. I am by the door, prepared to bolt if necessary. Then I realize he needs to be by the door to get that vicious beast out of my bag. I also realize that he has NO intention of killing it!
Me: No! You have to KILL it! KILL it and drive a stake through its battered body and put it outside to send a message to all the other savages that want to come it!
This is also about the time I realize that he has NO intention of killing it. He’s just going to set it free so it can continue its evil plot against me.
I also realize that now that I’ve moved toward the hallway if that horror is loosed I will have nowhere to go.
As he opens the door, it crawls out of my bag and falls (or flies?) to the floor. I can’t believe the size! I mean, you could put a saddle on that thing and ride it to the store!
CW: Well, I have good news and bad news.
Me: What?! Good news? Bad news? I am freaking out and you’re talking in riddles!
CW: The good news it, it’s out of your purse.
I relax a little.
CW: The bad news is, it got away before I could get it outside. It went there (he points to the sofa where I sit). It went somewhere back there.
— not gonna shriek — not gonna shriek — not gonna shriek — yeah, totally shrieking!
Now he’s very openly laughing.
Me: I am glad you find this, my trauma, so amusing.
CW: (laughing harder now) It’s just a palmetto bug.
Me: JUST?! Nothing that size is JUST anything!
I HATE bugs!
CW: Well, technically, it’s not a bug, it’s an insect.
Me: Seriously? We’re being INVADED! We’re on the verge of an ATTACK and you want to discuss semantics?
That thing is NOT natural! It has to be a mutant and it does NOT belong in my house! What can I do to get rid of it? To kill it?
CW: Well, you can use a glue board. (he shrugs a little and I’m starting to feel like maybe he isn’t taking this as seriously as he should – I mean, we’re being invaded!)
Me: Can I get them at Walmart?
CW: Well, uh, yeah. (I think maybe he is beginning to understand the gravity of this situation.)
Me: I need money.
Now he’s laughing again. He kissed me and went back to bed – still laughing I might add. How can he sleep knowing that this rabid beast is loose in our home? I just don’t understand.
And that is why I was at Walmart at 10:30 at night. I bought 8 glue boards and placed them at various points throughout the trailer. Yes, I will pick them up before I let the pup out of his kennel in the morning. Hopefully there will be a carcass attached to one of them.
Did you know that if you get a glue board stuck to your skin that olive oil takes it right off? Yeah, neither did I.
I do now.
Live and learn.