Loving an Addict

There are very few things more devastatingly heartbreaking than loving an addict. Alcohol, drugs, sex, porn, gambling, it makes no difference. Addiction is an equal opportunity destroyer. No matter what you do, what you say, how much you beg, or how many tears you shed, they will always, always choose the addiction over you. Even when it means that they lose you – lose their spouse and children. Even when it means they will lose all the good things in their life. The addiction will always win. Always.

And all you can do is watch while your heart gets ripped out a little more each day, while your gut churns constantly and you can’t stop shaking. You cry silent tears until there are none left and swallow that constant lump in your throat. You always know that they don’t love you enough to do what they need to stop.

You always know you are second choice – because the addiction will always come first.

And if you try to make them choose, they will never choose you.

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The addiction always wins.

You will never be attractive enough, smart enough, interesting enough – you’ll never, ever be enough – for them to choose you first. Still, you try. You try to make yourself more attractive, kinder, smarter, more interesting. You bend over backwards to give them everything you can, trying to make yourself more enticing than the addiction. Hoping against all hope they will look at you and say, “You know what? What I have right here is too good to lose and to precious to hurt and destroy. I choose you.”

But that never happens.

Instead, you are constantly vying for their attention, saying, “Hey! I’m right here! Look at me! Choose me! Please!”

And you cling to every crumb of attention they give you, living for the moments when they pretend you are first. You go along with the charade, pretending to believe because it is the only way to maintain your sanity. Other times you sit near them, longing for a glance, a word, a touch, something, anything to let you know that they feel something for you.

It’s the same with the lies. They will look right at you, right in the eye and lie without flinching. They lie about their addiction, lie about where they’ve been or what they’ve been doing. They lie and tell you that you come first, that it’s “only you.”

You know it’s a lie but you want so badly to believe. You fool yourself into believing that this time, finally, what they say will be truth.

Problem is, you can’t believe a word that comes out of an addict’s mouth. They get angry because you don’t trust them yet they refuse to make themselves trustworthy. They give you reason over and over to not trust then get upset when you don’t believe them.

And somehow that’s your fault.

You hold so tightly to that hope, that prayer, that one day they will choose you. One day they will turn away from the addiction and find a way to break it, to make it stop, to end the suffering and destruction. One day you will be able to believe them, to trust them.

And so many times that never happens.

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Then there is the blame.

In your mind you know it must be irrational, right? Yet you can’t help but believe it, at least a little. It is your fault they have the addiction, can’t or won’t break the addiction, why it escalates – it’s all on you. On the darker days, every bad thing in their life is because of you or something you’ve done.

Their words are so vile, so hateful. They cut to the bone. But what is most disconcerting is that they like it. They enjoy seeing the pain register on your face, seeing you recoil from the vile spewing of contempt they direct at you. They want you to hurt and they know just what to say to get the job done. They want to tear you down until you are nothing, until you leave them alone with their addiction – until you stop begging for them to choose you.

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The pendulum swings.

On the good days it’s not so bad, you just feel shaken, exhausted, hollowed out, worthless, discouraged, but you can mask it fairly well. You can’t let them see how seriously they have hurt you, how they are destroying you, what they’ve done to your mind, your body, your spirit, how they’ve crushed your heart again and again – how they’ve shattered your self esteem and broken your spirit.

But they really don’t care anyway.

You feel ugly, worthless, distraught, raw, useless, alone, unwanted, unlovable as you wait for the next time they have a good day – then the next time they chase that addiction. The next time they don’t choose you.

And you never know when that will be.

So, you live in your own, private hell, knowing you are second choice to something that is destroying the person you love and destroying you in the process. Most people won’t understand why you choose to stay so you don’t really talk about it.

Leaving or turning away from them is never an option. You think about it, but then your heart plays that cruel trick and reminds you of the good times. So you hang on, thinking, “Tomorrow may be the day.  Tomorrow I might come first.” But tomorrow never seems to come, so you just keep waiting.

You just hold it all inside and hope that one day, one day they choose you.

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The silent victims.

When you are praying for addicts, take a moment and whisper a prayer for the people who love them, the mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, children – for they are all suffering deep, unimaginable pain as well. Addiction leaves a hole in your heart. It destroys lives and families.

But what most people don’t realize is that they are devastatingly destructive to the people who love that addict. They are the ones who are neglected, abused, used, manipulated. They are the ones who are trying to desperately to make it stop because they know that person they love is in there, somewhere.

They are the silent victims. The ones who have to watch and feel that pain and devastation over and over and over. They are the ones caring for that addict, feeding them, paying for their needs, keeping their clothes clean, giving them shelter – giving of themselves just to be ignored, disrespected, hurt. Just to know that they aren’t enough. No matter what they do or how much they give they will never be enough to be first choice.

The addiction always wins.

They are the ones who cry alone at night and stay in their head because who would understand anyway?

They are the ones waiting, waiting for the addict to choose them.

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A Letter to My Daughter on the Birth of her Child

 

Silas Home 1aa24 years ago you brought me across a threshold when you made me the mother of a daughter. Today we crossed one together when you became a mother and I became a grandmother. As I look at my new grandson’s sweet face I see my little girl all over again. He looks so much like you and yet he is a totally separate little person! How awesome is that?

I love you so much! I love all three of you – even if I haven’t formally met the newest member of your little family yet. I love you all with all my heart.

Oh how I wish I could be there with you to hug you, to hold my grandbaby, to breathe in that baby smell, to wonder over this incredible life that is part you, but a little part of me as well. That is something we will always share as mother and daughter. He captured my heart from the first photo. I wish so badly I could be there.  I wish it more than anything right now, but we just don’t have the money right now. I hope against all hope that in a few months I will have the money to make the trip down there and I can finally hold him. Until then, keep sending me pictures. They are almost as good as being there.

And Dad, don’t think I’ve forgotten you – this is for you both. I was so touched to hear the story of how you literally ran home from work when you found out your son was on the way! I have seen the way you treat my daughter with such love and tenderness, how you cherish her, how good you are to her, and I feel secure knowing that she is loved and protected. Every mother wants that for her child. Thank you for giving that to me. I love you as if you were my own son.

I know that this is not exactly what the two of you had planned for your lives just yet. God is a great disrupter of human plans though, but that’s OK. In the end you realize that everything happened just as it should. There will be people who do not support you, will be unkind, who will speak ill of you and to you. Don’t listen to them. Smile, say thank you, and turn away. They have not spent a moment in your shoes so they have no room or right to be critical or judgmental. Remember, God Himself created that little baby and gave him to YOU. God never makes mistakes but the outcome depends entirely on how you treasure the gift.

God has a way of putting the sweetest blessings in the most unexpected places!

I think you are going to be just fine. In fact, I am certain of it.

As a parent you always wonder “did I love her enough?” “did I nurture her enough?” Did I teach her to love without abandon? But then I see you holding your child, the way you look at him, the way you light up when he is in your arms, and I know the answer is yes. You have always been so sweet and loving with such a tender heart, I know that this baby will have the best mom (and dad!) ever.

I am so very proud of you, so honored to be your mother. I love you so much sometimes it seems as if there just isn’t room in my heart to hold it all! You are so incredibly brave and tough and strong! You did not plan this but you stepped right up and accepted the responsibility.

You chose life.

In a society where human beings can be eliminated when they are inconvenient or in the way, you my sweet daughter chose the road less traveled. It is a lot longer and a lot more difficult, but you did it -and that takes real courage.

It’s easy to do away with something you think you don’t want or that didn’t come along at the “right time.” Sure, you may remember, you may even experience guilt for ending a small life before it even began, but to stand up to your responsibility and meet the challenges head on – that takes incredible bravery. No, your life may not be exactly where you want it to be – or where you thought it would be – right now and realistically, this is not exactly the “ideal” time to have a baby, but you weren’t thinking of yourself.

And you chose life.

I love you, Mom

Transgender, DNA, and Chromosomes

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I suspect there are some who will find this offensive. Oh well, it needs to be said so here goes.

There is something that has been puzzling me a bit about this whole transgender issue. How can these people rightfully demand that others call them by the gender that they “identify” with? We are being forced to lie by calling men women and women men just because a very small group is demanding that we willingly accept and swallow this unnatural and, dare I say perverted, practice.

You can change everything on the outside but at your core you will ALWAYS be the gender you were born as.

And you can NEVER change that. No amount of surgery, clothing, hair length, make up, nothing, NOTHING will ever change it.

Stick with me, folks. Here’s why.

Because your DNA will always betray you.

What is DNA?

DNA is the blueprint for who (and what) you are.

From the National Genome Research Institute:

DNA contains the instructions needed for an organism to develop, survive and reproduce. To carry out these functions, DNA sequences must be converted into messages that can be used to produce proteins, which are the complex molecules that do most of the work in our bodies.

Each DNA sequence that contains instructions to make a protein is known as a gene. The size of a gene may vary greatly, ranging from about 1,000 bases to 1 million bases in humans. Genes only make up about 1 percent of the DNA sequence. DNA sequences outside this 1 percent are involved in regulating when, how and how much of a protein is made.

What are Chromosomes?

To put it in simple terms, Chromosomes are essentially DNA that is wrapped around protein. So what’s the big deal? Why am I even bringing this up?

Let’s look to the National Genome Research Institute again to find out:

Females have two X chromosomes in their cells, while males have one X and one Y chromosome.

Now at least several of you are saying, “What about the people who have an extra sex chromosome or has an abnormality?”

Well, in all the research I have done, nowhere on valid, reputable sites or in actual scientific journals has it been noted that the result of sex chromosome abnormalities is that the person develops psychological problems where they begin to “identify” as the opposite gender. There is mention of physical abnormalities, but nothing that points to what is leading these people to try to change their gender through surgery.

I saw a guy on TV once who went through all these physical transformations to turn into a reptile – right down to the scales and split tongue.

You know what? He was still a human.

I read about a man who wanted to be a lion so he went through all of this body modification  – and looked pretty convincing I might add. He even had whiskers.

But, yep, he was still a human.

People tend to think that just because they go through body modifications, just because they “identify” as something else that makes it so. Well, I hate to break it to you, but YOUR WILL TO BE SOMETHING ELSE DOES NOT MAKE IT SO! And how exceedingly arrogant to think that it does.

Inherently, your genetic code, your DNA, your chromosomes, will give you away, identifying you as the male or female that you were born as.

Now this is a potential problem that I see. Say that one of the men dressed as girls or vice versa is involved in a horrendous accident or is the victim of a terrible crime – or worse, is a perpetrator. In processing the crime scene, blood or bodily fluids is gathered and processed in a lab  which returns it as the gender indicated by the DNA.

Hmmm. If it is a guy who “identifies” as a girl, that could be a problem. The police think they are looking for a man but the man has decided he wants to be a woman and is living as a woman right down to changing his gender on his driver’s license – what a mess!

Now, I highly doubt that these people are being entered into a database somewhere, along with a sample of their DNA so that various entities, including law enforcement, can keep up with their gender musical chairs.

No, because that would be <gasp!> discrimination! Personally, I think that when you violate the natural order of things you give up a certain degree of those non-discriminatory rights. There should be a database. There should be a way that at least law enforcement can keep up with the gender switchers.

But that’s just my opinion.

What is NOT my opinion is this:

If you are a man, you will always be a man. If you are a woman, you will always be a woman.

No matter what you change on the outside, your DNA – NATURE – will give you away – Every. Single. Time.

 

Be the Solution

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I would like to set the record straight on something. I have gotten some flack for posting against certain behaviors that have been exhibited, supposedly as a result of discrimination and racism.
I have been accused of being “white and therefore unable to understand racism or discrimination.”
I beg to differ.
What gripes me is that I have endured terrible, even life threatening racism yet when I bring it up it is brushed away like it doesn’t matter – like I don’t matter.
At times, what I went through could have been deadly – but what’s one less white person, right?
Maybe you mean that and maybe you don’t. Regardless, that is the message you send.
No, I don’t have to “understand the frustration.” Frustration is not a valid reason for a violent response. It only shows that you aren’t smart enough to deal with it in a constructive, healthy, intelligent way.
I have a pretty good perspective on this because, you see:
I have been SHOT AT because I was the wrong color.
I have been passed over for jobs because I was the wrong color – even though I had the better qualifications.
I have been abused because of my race and my disability, physically, emotionally, and verbally.
I have watched as a two young black men burned my shed to the ground because it belonged to a white person – though I had always kept to myself and was friendly to everyone I encountered.
So, trust me, being white is not all rainbows and unicorns. I don’t know what fantasy world people have been living in but you have the WAY wrong perspective.
You know what the difference was? Although I was frustrated, hurt, and, yes, angry, I never tried to kill anyone. I never beat anyone up. I never set fire to anything or destroyed property. I never rioted. I never blocked traffic or trashed a place or looted or put anyone in harm’s way.
I found my VOICE.
Actually, we are a lot like YOU. We are a lot like each other so dividing ourselves into these silly groups just makes us weak against the overriding force that is propelling all this (and I’ll give you a hint – it has no skin color).
Wake up people! Get smart!
You are being played, manipulated, controlled. The media, your government, they want to keep you angry and frustrated. They want to keep the racial division alive. That is why they feed this monster. It is much easier to control that way. They pull the strings and you do exactly what they want you to do.
Cut. The. Strings.
You have a mind, use it. You can think for yourself, stop regurgitating the propaganda that leaders on BOTH sides of this nonsense have been filling you with. Stop letting them control you! Regardless of what they say to your face, they DO NOT have your best interest at heart. You are nothing more than a pawn to them. You are disposable. You can be replaced.
They only want to use you to further their own agenda, using your emotions to control you.
And they are succeeding.
If the violent behavior has not worked yet, what makes you think it is going to work now? If what you are doing isn’t working, then it is time to do something else!
If you want to be taken seriously then
Stop playing the race card.
Stop with the pity party!
Stop the whining.
Stop the EXCUSES!
Stop the violence.
Stop doing stupid things that cast a bad light on ALL your people (I am talking about whites, blacks, everyone here).
Stop doing things that invalidate your argument.
FIND YOUR VOICE!
But don’t lump everyone in a group under the same label; that only makes you look uneducated, unintelligent, and it weakens your argument. Most of all, it makes you look RACIST.
Approach the situation with a clear, concise, intelligent response that recognizes not all people in a group can wear the same label – or should. Approach it in such a way that you offer SOLUTIONS instead of just griping about problems.
We are so much stronger standing shoulder to shoulder than we are on opposite sides of the street.
If you truly want things to change then you have to be PART OF THE SOLUTION.
And stop being part of the problem.
What can you do today to be the solution and start making a difference?

Bigot

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People are saying that Kim Davis can have her own religious beliefs, choices, and opinions as long as she keeps them at home (and to herself) but can’t be a Christian at work. OK, let’s flip that.

What if everyone was telling homosexuals that they could have their own beliefs, choices, and opinions at home but they couldn’t bring them to work. In other words they couldn’t be homosexual at work.

Oh, but that’s who they are, you say?

Well Kim Davis is a Christian (an Apostolic Christian, so am I); that is who she is and she cannot separate from that.

Christianity is not something you put on and take off, it is a lifestyle. When you live for God, God is your LIFE.

Oh, but homosexuals are born that way, you say?

Fine. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary (the “gay gene” was debunked in 2008) lets just go with that for the sake of argument.

If that is the case then it is even more logical to conclude that Christians are born Christian.

Wait, hear me out. Humans, ALL humans are created to coexist with a spirit being God or the devil. It is how we are made. It is designed to draw us close to our creator. So if that is the case then technically everyone is born Christian, some just move away from it or are lured away from it during the course of their lives.

What? That sounds strange to you? It’s no different than saying someone is born homosexual (with absolutely NO scientific evidence, mind you) – and Christians have scripture and psychological studies that prove what I have described.

So if these situations are essential the same when you look at it from a logical standpoint without the ridiculous barrage of straw men, red herrings, and slippery slopes that the let is using the distract everyone from the real issue, it begs the question:

Why is is called “tolerance” when it’s the homosexual agenda, yet when it comes to Christians it’s “bigotry and hatred?”

Bigot: a person who strongly and unfairly dislikes other people, ideas, etc. : a bigoted person;especially : a person who hates or refuses to accept the members of a particular group (such as a racial or religious group).

So, according to this, we could correctly classify those pushing the homosexual agenda bigots as well.

Why the double standard?

Why is it OK for a MALE who has decided he wants to be a girl to use the girl’s restroom in a high school? I don’t care what you call yourself, YOU’RE STILL A GUY.

And everyone it supposed to just jump on board with this perversion all in the name of “tolerance.” (as you may know, I have a lot to say about the dangers of tolerance)

This country was founded on Christian values. In fact, many of our laws have their roots in scripture. The men who wrote our Constitution did so with God in mind.

And, by the way, the wall of separation clause (separation of church and state) is NOT in the Constitution. In fact, it did not come until later when Thomas Jefferson included it in a letter, the purpose being to suggest that the Church of England not be allowed to rule over the colonies. It was not designed to force Christians into hiding, allowing them to practice their faith in church and at home only. That was never the intention for a nation that was built on Christian values.

But back to the issue at hand.

I see plenty of laws being changed and re-interpreted, even rewritten to promote the homosexual agenda lifestyle choice.

However, I also see plenty of laws being changed and re-interpreted, even rewritten to revoke and prohibit freedoms and rights attached to the Christian lifestyle choice.

So I will finish with this thought.

I hear people say that Kim Davis should find another job, one that does not compromise her religious beliefs and choices.

But if it were a homosexual who could not be homosexual on his or her job, would they be told that they should find another job where they don’t have to compromise their beliefs and choices?

I very much doubt it. In fact,

I will go so far as to say that they would pursue that place with a blood thirsty vengeance, slandering all involved at every opportunity, sending threats to involved parties, and publicly calling them bigots and haters (as those pushing the homosexual agenda have already demonstrated numerous times that this is their SOP). They have already threatened to kill Kim Davis and her family, burn down their home while they are sleeping, and rape her while forcing her husband to watch.

This, intelligent (I hope) readers, is the group that preaches tolerance and love yet refuses to extend to others the very thing they demand from them.

Anyone else see the discrepancy here?

So this brings me back to my original point.

People are saying that Kim Davis can have her own religious beliefs, choices, and opinions as long as she keeps them at home (and to herself) but she can’t be a Christian at work.

What if everyone was telling homosexuals that they could have their own beliefs, choices, and opinions at home but they couldn’t bring them to work. In other words they couldn’t be homosexual at work.

What exactly is the difference? And just who is the real bigot here?